Like I'd never been away

My first and last pre-season friendly on Saturday, featuring Wateringbury and the newly-formed Phoenix Sports on one of the dodgiest pitches it has ever been my misfortune to see. The Maidstone-council run pitch has never been the best of the bunch, but for some reason, during the close season, the council decided to move one end of the pitch about 10 yards to one side.
The workers would have realised when they came to mark the pitch that they had messed things up, but carried on regardless. When I stood on the centre spot before the match, at one end I looked into the middle of the goal while at the other end I was looking at the edge of the six yard box.
The players carried on nonetheless and, having told them the game would be treated as though it was a normal match (to dispel myths that they can get away with anything in a friendly) it was soon apparent that the newly formed team were far from match ready. Several of their players looked as though they'd never played a competitive match before.
Wateringbury ran riot, knocking in 13 and missing twice that number. I find it difficult to concentrate in such one-sided matches and on one occasion forgot to restart my watch after a stoppage. Thanks heavens for the second watch!
There were no disciplinary problems, although an unusual substitute, wearing a green and white knitted jumper, charged around the pitch like a blundering bull for five minutes before being taken off by the captain. I think he had the wrong sport.
Other than that, three or four girlfriends flirted from the touchline with their boyfriends on the pitch, a couple of lads sat smoking joints in the corner of the playing field and several casual spectators appeared, clearly pleased to see a ball being kicked again and to shout abuse at the ref.
It was like I'd never been away.